Realizing Cancer Is Just a Bump in My Road
Yo, here I am.
It’s been a couple days since I checked in. I’ve actually been enjoying the bonus days Penthouse gave me this round of chemo—feeling pretty dang good, and that’s been a real gift. Still dealing with some minor taste loss and the usual tongue stuff, but I can eat and even enjoy most of it again. Bread’s still got that Play-Doh vibe, but even that doesn’t bother me like it used to. Legs are still weak, feet still weird, but if I accept those limits, I can still have some really solid days. And I have. I’ve had a few of those lately.
Like I mentioned last time, I’m still trying to get a grip on this whole stage four thing—what it meant to me back then, what it’s turning into now. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself thinking this could last a while but that can't possibly be a wrong road to explore. It does create a whole new way of thinking and spinning the wheel.
Take my “Good Morning EVERYONE!” post I do every day. That started on a total whim. One morning, I got up thinking, This could all be over soon, and for some reason, I just posted it. Just happy to be up and moving, and bam—it was out there. People responded with their own good mornings, and it gave me something. It pulled me away from those end of the line thoughts, just for a bit. So I did it again. Then again. Now it’s a part of my routine I honestly love—waking up, checking in, responding to each of you. It’s this quiet little feel-good moment I didn’t expect to mean so much.
And now that I’m starting to think maybe that split-second experience back in September wasn’t the start of a 180-day goodbye, but possibly a 7300-day run... well, yeah, that changes things. We could be doing this a long time, lol. I hope we do. But I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t come with its own kind of pressure. I constantly think about the day I might sleep till 10am or forget to post altogether. And I know how that feels on the other side—when someone doesn’t show up like they always do, and your brain races straight to the worst. I never want to do that to anyone. I never want someone to wonder if I’m okay just because I slept in or lost track of time.
So yeah, this simple little “good morning” has me overthinking sleep schedules and purpose and pressure and what the hell I’d be doing right now if I’d never made that post. Would I still be sleeping in? Would I feel different about the day ahead? Am I dragging myself up to avoid missing it? Honestly... I don’t know. But I do know this: even something that small can shift the whole map. That’s how this works. You think you’ve got a handle on the road, and then—bam—another fork. Another question. Another stretch of “Am I doing this right?”
The more time you’re given, the more you start second-guessing where you’ve been, and where you’re going. If I figure out a way to change things, will they actually be better? Or will I lose something that matters more than I thought? Hell, I don’t know. But these are the things that come from one tiny post that turned into a lifeline.
So what’s this clown doing spending half his morning rambling about a damn good morning post? I don’t know. I started this whole thing a few times today and none of them stuck. This one didn’t feel like it would either, but I stuck with it. Maybe I bailed too early on the others. Maybe this one’s the one I was supposed to walk out. No clue where it’s going, but today I decided not to worry about that.
It’s strange. You’d think the journey would get easier when you start feeling better. But truth is, it’s almost simpler when you feel like crap. Penthouse Dude pops in, hands you your attitude, you roll with it. Start feeling normal again, and the road gets wider. Messier. You start to think too much. You start to wonder.
— A Simple Man
P.S.
Yeah, I know. This whole ramble was me avoiding the next thing. That wall I’ve been dancing around since day one. It’s still standing. But it won’t be for long. Just... not today. Soon.