LITTLE BIT AT A TIME
Let’s Get Real Today
I’ve done a good job of avoiding the biggest hill I have to climb in my current condition. I think I’ve avoided it because I truly believe I’m in a good place with all of this. I often call myself a simple man, and for the most part, that’s true. My views on life have always been pretty cut and dry. Sure, every now and then, I can be a little complex, but not often. I’ve always kept my mind intact, even through some major challenges in the past. But now, my current situation has taken over my mind in a way nothing else ever has.
So many thoughts are running through the wheels—now that I have two—and I’m struggling to keep things as simple as they once were. Part of this new mindset is wonderful. It just happened, and I don’t fully understand it. The other part fights against it every day. The psychological impact of terminal cancer is as tough as it should be. The time it takes to sort everything out is even tougher, and I may never get it all under control. I’m okay with that possibility because I know I’ll fight until the end, and this challenge might just keep me going longer.
Coming to Terms with Mortality
The first thing I had to wrap my mind around was mortality. Penthouse Dude took care of that immediately. I know it sounds cliché, but in the blink of an eye, my whole world changed, and I knew the end was coming. I had two choices: accept my situation and make the most of it or deny it and let it destroy me. Easy choice. I hope people realize that we all face this choice every single day, but without a professional pointing it out, the reality of it doesn’t always sink in.
The choice may have been easy, but executing it is where the real battle lies. Penthouse Dude made it clear that where I’m headed is nothing to be afraid of. It will be spectacular. I’ve felt that from day one, and I will always feel that way. The end of my journey isn’t what’s difficult for me—it’s finding the longest path to get there. I’m in no hurry. Paradise will always be paradise.
The Illusion of Doing Whatever I Want
People have told me that since I know the unknown, I should live how I want and fight my fight my way. It sounds great in theory. Life should be all about what I want now, right? I understand the thought behind it, but let me tell you, it’s a bunch of poop.
I could go on forever about what I’d love to do with my remaining time, but the reality is, you can’t just snap your fingers and be sitting on a beach in Key West, watching the sunset. I can barely sit on The Front Porch to do this. Maybe some people can just go out and live their final days however they please, but I’d bet not many. For me, I know what I’d like to do, and maybe I’ll get there. But the truth is, there’s a lot I want but can’t have. Unless you’re where I am, you have no idea. Hell, I’m here, and I barely do.
After months of wrestling with it, I’ve realized the first battle is with my identity, my emotions, my unfulfilled desires, and the acceptance of where I am—along with whatever regrets I have. Mentally, it’s tough. I feel lucky that I’m at peace with where I’m headed because if I weren’t, I can’t imagine how much harder this would be.
Unpacking the Emotional Safe
I assume most people would feel shock and fear upon receiving news like mine. Thankfully, Penthouse Dude let me bypass all that. It probably saved me a lot of time. But the emotional safe I locked away years ago? That thing has come crashing down, and it’s overwhelming.
I had no idea how much I had stuffed inside. It wasn’t just emotions—it was experiences I mishandled, regrets I never addressed, and the constant thought of how I could have done things differently. I shoved it all in, locked the door, and left it there. Now, it’s all out at once, and I don’t know if I can work through it before my time is up. The anxiety that comes with this is real.
The psychological weight of my situation is the mountain, and it will always be the mountain. The problem is, I just want to jump to the top without making the climb.
More Than Just Cancer
I’ve realized that cancer isn’t the only thing I’m fighting. Cancer is going to run its course, and all I can do is fight for as much time as I can. That part is simple. What’s harder is beating the clock and knowing I did everything I could to be me. To stand at the top of the mountain and genuinely like who I am.
Right now, I have a long way to go. Maybe it’s impossible, but I thrive on the impossible.
Letting Go of the Past
One step I feel I need to take—though I could be wrong—is letting go of my past. I need to let some things fly away and never return.
I came across a quote yesterday: “In order to heal, you must stay away from what broke you.”
It made me think hard about moving forward. I’ve been getting a flood of these motivational posts on Facebook—because apparently, Mike is into this now, so let’s adjust his feed—and while most of them make me roll my eyes, this one hit differently.
I don’t necessarily regret what I did in the past as much as how I did it. There are things I probably had no business doing. Some things broke me, and I should stay away from them. But there are also things I can’t seem to let go of completely. Some choices I made out of necessity, to take care of my family. Would I have done things differently? Maybe. But I wouldn’t trade my family for any other path.
For me to find peace, I have to stay away from certain things from my past. Some are lifelong habits I want to escape, but I’m not sure I can without sacrificing who I am. Now, both wheels are spinning full speed—keep, let go, or don’t know. The conflict between what I think I should do and what I want to do is real.
Still Climbing
The deeper I dig this morning, the more I realize I’m nowhere close to where I thought I was. I still have a lot to work through. I thought I had reached the point where I could say I was past all the mental baggage that comes with this. But four hours later, I’ve realized the solution is still a long way off—if it even exists.
I want to be clear: I am not in a mental crisis. I’m just working through what I see as normal thoughts that come with my condition. If I bottled all of this up, it would eventually explode, and that would get messy.
So, for now, I’ll keep inching up the mountain.
Wheels Spinning,
A Simple Man
I’ve done a good job of avoiding the biggest hill I have to climb in my current condition. I think I’ve avoided it because I truly believe I’m in a good place with all of this. I often call myself a simple man, and for the most part, that’s true. My views on life have always been pretty cut and dry. Sure, every now and then, I can be a little complex, but not often. I’ve always kept my mind intact, even through some major challenges in the past. But now, my current situation has taken over my mind in a way nothing else ever has.
So many thoughts are running through the wheels—now that I have two—and I’m struggling to keep things as simple as they once were. Part of this new mindset is wonderful. It just happened, and I don’t fully understand it. The other part fights against it every day. The psychological impact of terminal cancer is as tough as it should be. The time it takes to sort everything out is even tougher, and I may never get it all under control. I’m okay with that possibility because I know I’ll fight until the end, and this challenge might just keep me going longer.
Coming to Terms with Mortality
The first thing I had to wrap my mind around was mortality. Penthouse Dude took care of that immediately. I know it sounds cliché, but in the blink of an eye, my whole world changed, and I knew the end was coming. I had two choices: accept my situation and make the most of it or deny it and let it destroy me. Easy choice. I hope people realize that we all face this choice every single day, but without a professional pointing it out, the reality of it doesn’t always sink in.
The choice may have been easy, but executing it is where the real battle lies. Penthouse Dude made it clear that where I’m headed is nothing to be afraid of. It will be spectacular. I’ve felt that from day one, and I will always feel that way. The end of my journey isn’t what’s difficult for me—it’s finding the longest path to get there. I’m in no hurry. Paradise will always be paradise.
The Illusion of Doing Whatever I Want
People have told me that since I know the unknown, I should live how I want and fight my fight my way. It sounds great in theory. Life should be all about what I want now, right? I understand the thought behind it, but let me tell you, it’s a bunch of poop.
I could go on forever about what I’d love to do with my remaining time, but the reality is, you can’t just snap your fingers and be sitting on a beach in Key West, watching the sunset. I can barely sit on The Front Porch to do this. Maybe some people can just go out and live their final days however they please, but I’d bet not many. For me, I know what I’d like to do, and maybe I’ll get there. But the truth is, there’s a lot I want but can’t have. Unless you’re where I am, you have no idea. Hell, I’m here, and I barely do.
After months of wrestling with it, I’ve realized the first battle is with my identity, my emotions, my unfulfilled desires, and the acceptance of where I am—along with whatever regrets I have. Mentally, it’s tough. I feel lucky that I’m at peace with where I’m headed because if I weren’t, I can’t imagine how much harder this would be.
Unpacking the Emotional Safe
I assume most people would feel shock and fear upon receiving news like mine. Thankfully, Penthouse Dude let me bypass all that. It probably saved me a lot of time. But the emotional safe I locked away years ago? That thing has come crashing down, and it’s overwhelming.
I had no idea how much I had stuffed inside. It wasn’t just emotions—it was experiences I mishandled, regrets I never addressed, and the constant thought of how I could have done things differently. I shoved it all in, locked the door, and left it there. Now, it’s all out at once, and I don’t know if I can work through it before my time is up. The anxiety that comes with this is real.
The psychological weight of my situation is the mountain, and it will always be the mountain. The problem is, I just want to jump to the top without making the climb.
More Than Just Cancer
I’ve realized that cancer isn’t the only thing I’m fighting. Cancer is going to run its course, and all I can do is fight for as much time as I can. That part is simple. What’s harder is beating the clock and knowing I did everything I could to be me. To stand at the top of the mountain and genuinely like who I am.
Right now, I have a long way to go. Maybe it’s impossible, but I thrive on the impossible.
Letting Go of the Past
One step I feel I need to take—though I could be wrong—is letting go of my past. I need to let some things fly away and never return.
I came across a quote yesterday: “In order to heal, you must stay away from what broke you.”
It made me think hard about moving forward. I’ve been getting a flood of these motivational posts on Facebook—because apparently, Mike is into this now, so let’s adjust his feed—and while most of them make me roll my eyes, this one hit differently.
I don’t necessarily regret what I did in the past as much as how I did it. There are things I probably had no business doing. Some things broke me, and I should stay away from them. But there are also things I can’t seem to let go of completely. Some choices I made out of necessity, to take care of my family. Would I have done things differently? Maybe. But I wouldn’t trade my family for any other path.
For me to find peace, I have to stay away from certain things from my past. Some are lifelong habits I want to escape, but I’m not sure I can without sacrificing who I am. Now, both wheels are spinning full speed—keep, let go, or don’t know. The conflict between what I think I should do and what I want to do is real.
Still Climbing
The deeper I dig this morning, the more I realize I’m nowhere close to where I thought I was. I still have a lot to work through. I thought I had reached the point where I could say I was past all the mental baggage that comes with this. But four hours later, I’ve realized the solution is still a long way off—if it even exists.
I want to be clear: I am not in a mental crisis. I’m just working through what I see as normal thoughts that come with my condition. If I bottled all of this up, it would eventually explode, and that would get messy.
So, for now, I’ll keep inching up the mountain.
Wheels Spinning,
A Simple Man
— Thig on the Wheel spun by AI cleaning!